We play hide and seek with friends when we are sad

We tend to stop being social when we feel sad and worried. That's when our mind will bombard us with these ideas:

She will not understand me

She will think I am looking for attention

She has her own issues to work on

If she knows how I am she would not like me anymore

Is too much work to get social at the moment

I would not like it anyway

I messaged her last time and she didn't answered

Our mind does that to us so we stop socialising and we can have more time to think and worry about it. 

The truth is that friends help us stay connected to what is important to us. Pain will still be there but friends will help us breathe easier. A listening ear and a smile will go a long way but they have to be face to face. Social media might work but when we are sad that can be increased when we look at people through the social media "happy "mask.

It is often upsetting when a friend will answer to our worries in a wrong way by distracting us to stay away from the thoughts that bother us. That is even more upsetting when we don't want to be distracted because we want to talk it out and we feel guilty because we put our pain onto them. That's when we distance ourselves from friends.

That's when we could say:

I know that you have your ........ to worry about but can we talk about my worries?

or

I am not ready to share much today. Let's talk about it another time and today we could just chill.

When we ask our friends for help in a gentle way it will create the opportunity for them asking back for help when they need to. If they don't get it than you could talk to them about that or you can talk to another friend that is better at saying the right thing.

Don't expect them not to tell if you are planning to do something risky. They have to tell somebody.

Trying to not have some emotions and ideas is hard work and takes lots of energy. That means that we have less energy to put on things that are important like friends and family. 

Simona Graham

www.watershedcounselling.com.au

 

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Today we've learned via "Stuff that sucks"  by Ben Sedley

Why our teenagers are not happy?

The society encourages us to be happy and if we are not we should do our best to be happy and other emotions are not OK.

When we feel sad, they say: "Smile"

When we are worried, they say: "Not to worry"

When we feel angry, they say: "Settle down"

When we cry, we're told: "You'll be fine, don't be a wuss"

On TV all of them are happy, well, anyway as long as the program is showing till the adds (on the adds they are all happy because they are consuming the right beverage and wearing the trendy outfit).

On Snapchat and TikTok  they all talk how awesome and talented they are.

For teenagers our planet is a scary and stirred up place. No wonder our teenagers are either enraged, frustrated, anxious or whatever feeling you want to describe their state.

I am not surprised that sometimes we think we are failures if we don't feel happy at all times. To add to this everybody tells us to how to feel and that is the reverse of how we feel. 

In those situations we could mirror their feelings with: 

When they feel sad we say "I am hearing you buddy"

When they are worried we say "I would worry too if I would be in your position. What is your plan to ..."

When they are angry we say "I see you are really struggling. I feel for you"

When they cry we say "It sucks, I am here for you" 

Our teenagers will feel understood and connected and healing will happen.

Society says "Be happy all the time. There is something wrong if you are not" 

The real world says "Failure, Disappointment, Rejection, Disaster" 

When parents walk in their bedroom our teenagers say: "Go away! @#$ck off" We go away because our ego is hurt and we don't know what to say. We take it personally. 

That's when we must help them to talk it out! We model giving.

Simona Graham

www.watershedcounselling.com.au

 

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Doing the awkward talk

Most adults lie to their children about sex. We do a lot of lying including Christmas, naughty and nice, Easter bunny chocolate conundrum, and so on. Well, sex lying is serious stuff, and messing it up can do a great amount of damage. 

"It has been found that 34% of year 10 students are sexually active. Of sexually active respondents, 76 percent had sex at home; 65 percent with a boyfriend or girlfriend; 62 percent often or always used a condom, and 86 percent with somebody about the same age."

These lines were copied from La Trobe University statistics. I will allow you to check the statistics for teenage pregnancy in Australia. 

It is extremely harder(if I would have an extreme adjective for hard I'd put it in here) than has ever been to be a teenager or the parent of a teenager. So, I will count for you three thoughts about sex talk that may help you on your parenting journey. 

Thought 1 

Our children are never “too young” to learn about sex. 

We feel uncomfortable talking about sex with our children. We start talking to them "when they are ready". That used to be the "normal". Well, they are never ready unless they ask. They ask when they are little and cute. It is fun to answer when they ask the question about the stork. That, my friend, is the time to start saying the truth. It is not fun at all to talk about it when they are 12. That's when we think about when we did it last, when we did it first, the worst and the first experience, and so on. Our teenagers can see we are uncomfortable. 

It has to be done. We have to do it, otherwise, they will learn it from others or on the internet. The sexual talk should start as soon as our children start to talk and ask how they arrived in this world, which may be as early as 5 years old. By the time they are 13 years old, they should know everything about everything, from us. It has been found that children who learn about sex from their parents early are more protected from child sexual abuse. When our children are young they believe that their parents are the expert in sex and understand that talking about sex is an open topic in the family.

The kids that talk about sex in the family have been known to wait longer before they have sex, have fewer partners, and often use protection. Starting early offers many chances to have short and cute conversations over the years. The times when we had awkward sex talk are long gone.

Thought 2 

Whatever "didn't work" for us 30 years ago will not work today either. 

Your parents probably didn’t do a fabulous job talking about sex. When it comes to having constructive sex talks they didn't do well. Because of this, your conversations with your kids may be influenced. But if you were lucky and your parents did a great job giving you plenty of appropriate information, well this information will not be appropriate for your kids in today's society. We need to change because almost everything has changed. I am repeating myself, if we don't teach them from an early age our children will learn from the TV, their friends, media, video games, music, and Internet pornography. 

To be honest, our children will learn about sex from these sources anyway, but you have the choice to be an active and involved guide for them. Otherwise, you can cross your fingers and hope they turn out okay.

Thought 3 

Is not fair to tell our children “Do not ask" or "Do not tell". 

We just can not do that! Just because your kid hasn’t asked it doesn’t mean they don’t need to know. All it means is that they haven’t asked. 

Your kids will be safer and ultimately, healthier when we learn what is age appropriate for kids to know. That's when we initiate the conversations with them. Our children will tell us everything when we show we are open to talking about sex. You are making it their responsibility when you wait for them to ask. It is our job to do it. That's when you decide if you are the best sex educator for your children or the internet. You or their school friends? If their school friends have a parent that had appropriate sex talk then you are in luck. Make sure you say thank you to Billy's mum. I will do my best poker face when I bet on you as being their best sex educator.

I had no idea about all this when I was a child. My parents made many mistakes and while I am parenting I am making damn sure that I will not make the same mistakes for my sons. I will make new ones and I hope I figure it out and fix before is too late.

Simona Graham

www.watershedcounselling.com.au

 

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